“It is all because of them. I am suffering today because of them” said a gentleman to his friend. I was listening to their conversation at the supermarket billing counter. He continued “They are responsible for my condition. After all that I have done for them, this is what I get”. How could life be so unfair to me? All my friends are happy. And here I am…”. I don’t who he was, but I knew that he was angry and sad.
As I was thinking about the conversation, it was reminded me of one of my friends- Nakul (name changed for anonymity). Nakul was a competent and hardworking professional. He had the ability to take up a leadership role. One of the things that stopped his progress was the feeling of being in a victim state.
Nakul always believed that his Boss and rest of his stakeholders are out to ‘get him’. With this perception, Nakul came across as defensive and aggressive. Though Nakul delivered more than what was expected out of him, unfortunately his colleagues remembered him for his fights and aggressive behavior.
Nakul is a classic example of a person in a ‘victim state’.
If it’s never our fault, we can’t take responsibility for it. If we can’t take responsibility for it, we’ll always be its victim. – Richard Bach
Understanding a victim state.
When we are in a victim state, we choose to complain and blame others or circumstances for our problems. We tend to view events in our lives as happening to us and feel ineffective and overwhelmed. We also operate on the basic assumption that the world should be fair. Some of us also start viewing the world from a ‘victim’ filter. We create a belief that the entire world is against us. As we continue to tell ourselves the self-pity story clarity is at its bare minimum.
Consequences of victim thinking
1. Emotional Health
Sometimes having someone or something to blame when things go wrong is comforting: it helps us deal with our negative feelings and it allows us to channel our aggravation to a specific thing. But ultimately, if blaming becomes habitual, we may make ourselves sick without knowing it.
Research also suggests that victim thinking is often deep-rooted in self-esteem issues. The feeling of ‘I am always right’, ‘It is not my mistake’, being closed to feedback and defensive are ways to protect our self-esteem – if continued for a longer duration can be quite devastating.
2. Being angry and restless – almost all the time
Victim thinking can make us feel angry because we believe that we are entitled and then don’t get ‘what we deserve’, resulting in a feeling ‘Life is not fair’ and ‘Why would they do this to me!?
3. Learning stops and so does our activity
When in a victim state, we are closed to suggestion and feedback. We are busy complaining, blaming, and procrastinating – thus the learning stops. This sometimes results in inactivity or getting stuck in a vicious cycle of ‘The rest of the world is here to get me, so I will do what I think is right’.
4. Helplessness as a coping mechanism
Sometimes, we also use victim state – feeling of being helpless as a coping mechanism, to handle fear, pain, discomfort, uncertainty, rejection or any other difficult emotion we may be experiencing.
5. ‘Avoid’ is a favorite word
We use our victim state to avoid confrontations, taking risks, making difficult decisions and all responsibility for improving our situation or making up for our mistake or failure.
Being in a victim state though may be a temporary solution, but won’t work long-term. It is important to be aware, stop pulling away and using the victim state as an excuse to avoid dealing with the situation, people and feelings. Instead, taking things head-on will help us make progress and take our lives forward.
Thank you for taking the time to read my post. I hope you found it useful. It suggests that you are obviously interested in learning things that can make a positive difference to you and your life
In my next blog, I will be writing on how to ‘step out’ of the victim state and take control of our lives.
